Realizations

Tonight I attended a viewing of a young man (he's my age- that's still young!) who committed suicide this last week. He left behind a BEAUTIFUL, graceful, strong wife and 4 darling children. He was a boy I grew up with; we were in the same ward when we were young, he lived around the corner from my grandparents, his grandparents lived across the street from my grandparents, in the summer we played night games with their neighborhood. We associated all through school, the last time I talked to him was shortly after he came home from his mission, he was a newly-wed. He was sick- I think it was bipolar. He fought it for the last 15 years (possibly more). I think he grew tired. I've thought about it all week, the way he died wasn't pretty, it was messy and painful, he must have hurt so bad mentally to be able to stand the physical pain he inflected. I don't want to dwell on this...

Tonight at that viewing... I felt surrounded, surrounded by people I loved, people who loved me and have for a very long time. My mom and I got there about 10 minutes after the viewing started, I was in line for 1 1/2 hours (the line would probably continue on for another couple of hours). What if he would have known all those people loved him? Those people were there for his family, but they were there because he in some way touched their lives as well. Did he know that he would be missed? Do we know what we do? Who we touch? Who we love? After I was through the viewing line I ran into a friend, a good friend, who was even a better friend to Darin, he expressed regrets at not having been in contact much with him. Lives get busy, we have our own "things"- often we lose touch, it's life. Then I saw an old primary teacher (Merrie Miss leader) from when I was 10, she moved away right after being my teacher, I haven't seen her in many, many years- she recognized me, she hugged me, I felt love from this person who helped shape me. (BTW, she and her husband drove a couple of hours to come to this viewing.) Earlier I had seen an old Young Women's leader, probably one who had more influence on me than any one else could. (One time she took me to the nursing home with her to visit her mother, just so I could look outside myself.) There was a couple there who lived by us at the condo, I've been thinking about them a lot lately, but haven't had contact with them for 7-8 years. Turns out they were his in-laws. I ran into people who knew me when I was three. This room was filled with love. Now, I know tonight wasn't about me, but I grew and I learned and I loved. The last few weeks have been some stressful weeks (that's another post), my faith was waning, I've felt discouraged and scared and alone. But, not anymore. And that's why I have to record this. It's hard to want to "put it out there", but it's important, I need to remember that there are many, many good people and good things in this world. We are all loved and we have a Heavenly Father who loves us and puts angels all around us, sometimes we have to open our eyes to them.

I wish Darin would have been able to look past his pain and see them. I know the Lord loves him, I know he has the chance to learn and grow. But I also know there is pain left behind. Maybe I know that as well as anyone. His wife was so strong and gracious, his children were tough, but there are dark, cloudy days ahead. But I also know that they will not be alone. There will be angels around them and they will come through it, and maybe they will even be better. It is up to each of us to help. I admit I will probably never see them again, but I can be on the look out for the "others", for each of us who needs an "angel" or maybe just a friend. And I can be so grateful for the people who touch my life and love me and give me the ability to love.