I'm trying, I really am. I am trying to be happy and most the time I am. But somedays I'm not. Somedays the pain from losing our little baby is too much. Somedays the tears come and I don't even really feel sad but the tears just flow. Then there are times like at our testimony meeting at Girls' Camp, I feel like I should be a good example, I feel like I should share the things I KNOW to be true. But I can't. I know if I stand up to talk I will just cry and not be able to say the things that are in my heart, so I just sit and I feel guilty. I have many friends who are pregnant. (One of my dear friend's wife is in labor as I write this) I am thrilled for them, don't get me wrong, but I'm sad for me... I 
worry about talking about how I feel. I don't want people to think I am "dwelling" on this. The truth is I am "going on with my life". I lead a very full life, I am busy and loved and loving and working and giving and just plain "living". But our tiny baby is always in the back of my mind, I try not to think about him but he's always there. It's not even always sad thoughts but he's always there. I worry about talking about the whole experience because I don't want people to think I don't have faith. I do. I KNOW that what has happened is my Heavenly Father's will. Just because I know this doesn't mean I don't feel sadness but along with the sadness I feel peace and happiness too. Peace that things are as they should be, happiness that there is a plan. But still sadness...
worry about talking about how I feel. I don't want people to think I am "dwelling" on this. The truth is I am "going on with my life". I lead a very full life, I am busy and loved and loving and working and giving and just plain "living". But our tiny baby is always in the back of my mind, I try not to think about him but he's always there. It's not even always sad thoughts but he's always there. I worry about talking about the whole experience because I don't want people to think I don't have faith. I do. I KNOW that what has happened is my Heavenly Father's will. Just because I know this doesn't mean I don't feel sadness but along with the sadness I feel peace and happiness too. Peace that things are as they should be, happiness that there is a plan. But still sadness...
5 comments:
What a sweet, tender photo.
I wish I had some healing words, but I don't. I've had hard things in my life, but not that hard. But there is one person that knows your pain. Because of the Atonement, our Savior knows EVERY ounce of EVERY pain. His pain and suffering was for us! And the Atonement will make it possible for you to see that sweet little boy again.
I love you!
Never feel guilty for the way you feel. Your little boy and the experiences you and Doug had with the pregnancy and bringing his body into the world will always be a part of you, so even though you "move on with your life," you still bring those things with you, and that's how it should be. It may not always be with the same intensity, but those feelings will remain. I have a friend who went through a very similar experience and she too, even five years later, finds herself crying about it.
What I'm trying to say is that we love you, what you are going through is normal, and I think it's healthy and natural to talk about it--not only now, but throughout your life. If you need a listening ear, I'm here!
I love you. That's all I can say.
Of course there is sadness - if there wasn't, you wouldn't be human. Life gives us things that, at the time, we don't think we can handle. Of course there are reasons that we don't know or understand now, but later on we will. My heart goes out to you. I felt such a loss when I had a miscarriage - and it wasn't ANYTHING like what you have been through. I would cry at the drop of a hat, I felt such sadness and the thought of "why?" is always in the back of your head. We don't know the answer to "why?", but we do have a lot of other knowledge of the gospel that does help us. It's not going to change over night. You're not going to wake up one morning and stop thinking about him and just stop feeling sad when you do think about him, but as time goes on, things will get better. It takes a lot of time. You're doing all the right things and you have the right attitude. It just takes time.
I can't say anything else that hasn't already been said. Those are great words of wisdom. I agree with all of them. All I can say is I'm glad you wrote that. Sometimes it helps to just get your feelings out there and not keep them bottled up. I am always thinking about you and still can't imagine the way you must feel. Be patient with yourself...you are doing awesome!
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