5k #2

On the morning of June 19th Alesa and I did our 5k #2. It was the Running with Angels 5k at Thanksgiving Point. I think this was the 5k I was most excited about. I knew the location would be beautiful and the 5k was inspired by the book "Running with Angels". I absolutely love this book!

5k #2

It was a little bit of an emotional start because they had families release doves in honor of their loved ones who had passed away (and who they were running in honor of) and also in honor of all others who were being remembered that day. Alesa and I shared hugs and tears as we watched this event. I'm so grateful for a sister who understands what is in my heart!

This was a fun 5k. We got to run through the gardens of Thanksgiving point. Past the waterfalls and beautiful flowers. Wow! What a delight!

It was a tough 5k because at the very end (and I mean about .2 mile before the end) there was a very steep, long hill. Ugh! I always want to run the finish even if I've walked the whole thing. But this killer hill made that hard. I did recover and jog across the finish line and was proud that I had done it. My time was slightly slower but that was because I had to walk a little bit more. (See the reason below) Oh, and once again Alesa came and joined me for the finish. She just keeps getting faster! She took about 2 minutes off her last 5k. Go Alesa!!!

I love this girl!!!!! She's my inspiration in so many things.

When I grow up I'm going to be just like her!

Doug's cousin's wife (Stephanie) silk screened these great shirts for us. They say "10 5k's in 2010" We love them! Thanks Stephanie!!!

Mine had to be a little bit different. This is the back of mine. If you can't read it it says "Might not get it done, cuz this oven's got a bun"

That's right! I'm pregnant!!!!!! Hooray!!!! I was about 11 weeks along at this time. I'm now about 17 (I think) weeks along. I'm due in January.

Funny story about the shirt and Alesa finding out. My mom had already guessed that I was pregnant. But we hadn't told anyone else. (Well, I guess Stephanie since she did the shirt) So, I was anxious for Alesa to see it. I walked in front of her on the way to the starting line, etc... but she still didn't notice. As we were standing in line for the Honey Pots I could hear this lady behind me reading my shirt. All the sudden she said, "Are you trying to say you're pregnant?" I laughed and said "yes". Then I watched as Alesa put things together, turned me around to look at my shirt, then gave me a big hug! Ahhh, the perfect reaction! This lady felt bad she'd given it away but I was just grateful, I wasn't sure how long it would be before Alesa noticed. I was about ready to just tell her!

One year ago

One year ago today I did one of the hardest things I've ever done.

enough said...

Remembering

I didn't know that today was "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day" until just a few minutes ago. I'm hoping some one, some where is remembering our baby too. This last month has actually been a WONDERFUL month. It's been crazy, but ever since I ran our 5k I've only had one "sad" evening. Until tonight. I don't know why, it was a great, busy, fulfilling day. Until it hit me like a brick. The sadness, that is. I'm so glad these times have become so few and far between but I never quit "remembering" our baby. My friends are having their babies (congratulations!!!!) and I'm not, ahhhh, that's hard!

Don't worry, there is a lot of fun being had. I can't wait to record our fun, fun trip to Albuquerque!

5k

Yesterday I did the 5k race. Boy, you would think I’d run a marathon! The race was fun, but hard. Harder than I expected, I think my pace was a little faster so I felt it more. (No, I won’t tell you my time- it’s still embarrassing!) But there were some people slower than me! This was a great experience! I felt so supported and loved! There are so many people who have come this far with me. Alesa, Tori, Shauntel and I all started together and that lasted for about 5 seconds. They all went ahead and did an awesome job! Even Holly did a 5k in California yesterday, so we were all doing this together. I’m so proud of each of us! None of us have ever been runners but each of us finished and they all had times to be proud of!

Alesa, Tori, me and our husbands all went to Calloway’s for dinner Friday night. It was so fun to spend time together relaxing and having fun. We are all lucky to have very supportive husbands who love us and want us to succeed in everything we do.

Saturday morning we drove in to town and were nervous as could be. I woke up at 3:30a.m.and never went back to sleep. The race energy was fun. I have no idea how many people there were but I’d guess over 300. There was a little girl (later found out she was 5) who fell right at the beginning, I felt so bad for her! A little over ½ way and just before the steepest hill, Tori’s husband, Rob was waiting to take pictures, he even waited for me. Just seeing him and Gabby made me happy and gave me a little burst of energy. At just over 2 miles the lady who owns the salon where I work and her son and daughter were waiting to cheer for us! Then down the road ½ mile was Doug and the kids. Katie even came down and met me and jogged with me a little ways. That stretch was the very hardest for me. I was tired and I wanted to throw up, but I knew I just had to push through. I turned to go up 2nd South and could see Alesa (she'd already finished) at the end of the block, she was my angel this time and I knew all I had to do was make it to her and she would help me finish. I made it that far and we turned the corner and could see the finish line, but it seemed so far away.

I looked at the word “Finish” and focused on that. Other than that, I was very unaware of what was going on around me until I saw Felice (my trainer from the weight loss contest) Once I saw her I knew I couldn’t quit. So I picked it up and pushed my limits until I crossed the finish line. During the final stretch I heard people cheering and I thought “Wow, do they know I didn’t win!?!” :) I know the reason there was so much cheering was because there were so many people who love me there supporting me. Our baby probably would have been born this week (a little less than 2 weeks before due date) and most of these people who were there had figured out that was the reason I set this goal. As my dear friend Tori said “We are running to show we’re stronger than our pain.” That was exactly it, she said it perfectly! There were tears at the finish line, mine my mom’s and others. I am blessed! I have dear friends and family who supported me. Even though I was only doing 3 miles they treated it like it was a marathon, and maybe it was MY marathon. I received the kindest comments on facebook, the most encouraging e-mails and nicest phone calls. Thank you! I AM stronger than my pain and it is only because of my friends and family and a loving Heavenly Father.

Now, I'm thinking about a 10k…

My sweet cousin lost her baby this weekend. I think she was about 7 months along. My heart is breaking for her. I don't know exactly how she feels because we all feel differently, but I have an idea. I'm broken hearted for what lays in front of her.


I talked to a friend on Saturday who apologized that she hadn't called me since we lost the baby. Although she just said "since it happened". She said "I didn't get you called and then I didn't want to bring it up." I tried to say it nicely but I said "There is no bringing it up, it's always there." Why are people so afraid of this? You're not going to make me (or anyone else who is grieving) think of something they've forgotten. They think about it all the time. Tears really aren't all that bad and besides that I don't cry at the drop of a hat (or a word)! The other day one of my friends mentioned my love for my baby. It made my heart jump for joy! Someone else remembered I have a baby that I love and still ache for. Thank you!

We are going on with life, but it still hurts. I have a hard time planning or thinking things through. I have no attention span and no creativity. My brain is shot. I am failing in my work and have a hard time following through with commitments. It's not because I don't want to do those things, it's because I can't.


While I was online today I found this letter. It's perfect.


My dear ________________ (Family, Friends, Pastor, Employer…),

I have experienced a loss that is devastating to me. It will take time, perhaps years, for me to work through the grief I feel because of this loss. I will cry more than usual for some time. My tears are not a sign of weakness or a lack of hope or faith. They are the symbols of the depth of my loss and the sign that I am recovering. I may become angry without seeming to have a reason for it. My emotions are heightened by the stress of grief. Please be forgiving if I seem irrational at times. I need your understanding and your presence more than anything else. If you don’t know what to say, just touch me or give me a hug to let me know you care. Please don’t wait for me to call you. I am often too tired to even think of reaching out for the help I need. Don’t allow me to withdraw from you. I need you more than ever during the next year. Pray for me only if your prayer is not an order for me to make you feel better. My faith does not excuse me from the grief process. If you have had an experience of loss that seems anything like mine, please share it with me. You will not make me feel worse. This loss is one of the worst things that could happen to me. But I will get through it and I will live again. I will not always feel as I do now. I will laugh again. Thank you for caring about me. Your concern is a gift I treasure.

Sincerely,(your name)

Shock

This has been a GREAT weekend! We really know how to celebrate the 4th of July around here, but that's going to come another post... Today I need to write this down- why? I'm not sure, but I know I do.

This morning I was in a Young Women Presidency meeting with our Bishopric, a perfectly normal, uneventful meeting- we have these once a month. All the sudden the Bishop asked me if I realized that Maddie would be baptized on Halloween. This took my breath away. I've been trying not to think about this day, I'm still not sure how to handle it. Why? Well, we had thought that this would not only be the weekend Maddie would be baptized and confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints but we could also bless our new baby while all the family was here. Now, that's not to be. How do I handle this weekend and make it a celebratory and happy time all the while knowing I'm missing out on another important event? Ahhh, life is not always how we plan it. Crying through sacrament meeting today was not what I had planned, maybe I should just learn to not plan... Good thing I've still got a few months to figure out how to handle that weekend...

Trying

I'm trying, I really am. I am trying to be happy and most the time I am. But somedays I'm not. Somedays the pain from losing our little baby is too much. Somedays the tears come and I don't even really feel sad but the tears just flow. Then there are times like at our testimony meeting at Girls' Camp, I feel like I should be a good example, I feel like I should share the things I KNOW to be true. But I can't. I know if I stand up to talk I will just cry and not be able to say the things that are in my heart, so I just sit and I feel guilty. I have many friends who are pregnant. (One of my dear friend's wife is in labor as I write this) I am thrilled for them, don't get me wrong, but I'm sad for me... I worry about talking about how I feel. I don't want people to think I am "dwelling" on this. The truth is I am "going on with my life". I lead a very full life, I am busy and loved and loving and working and giving and just plain "living". But our tiny baby is always in the back of my mind, I try not to think about him but he's always there. It's not even always sad thoughts but he's always there. I worry about talking about the whole experience because I don't want people to think I don't have faith. I do. I KNOW that what has happened is my Heavenly Father's will. Just because I know this doesn't mean I don't feel sadness but along with the sadness I feel peace and happiness too. Peace that things are as they should be, happiness that there is a plan. But still sadness...

Burial Gown

Today was a difficult Mother's Day and Alesa blessed her darling new baby, Ian today. So, maybe I am indulging my sorrow or maybe I just felt the need to share...

A new friend, Heather, who is one of Holly's friends, designed and crocheted this beautiful little gown for our little baby to be buried in. She was gracious and did it in less than a day. It meant so much to me to be able to have this for him. Thank you Heather! You did something that brought a little more peace to this mother's heart.

Graveside Service

So, Saturday was the graveside service for our little Steven. It was a very rainy day- Doug thought it was perfect for a funeral- I thought it felt like a bad movie. (Have any of you ever seen the movie "Firehouse Dog"- there is a great graveside service scene in that movie.)
This casket was actually way too big, Steven was only 6 3/4" long. I did the flowers for the casket, I actually bought a few tulips, pussy willows and greenery everything else I picked. I got the forsythia from our neighbors tree, the tulips from my mom's yard and the grape hyacinth from our yard. I did take the Button Mums from an arrangement some one gave to us. I loved the button mums because I really wanted to use dandelions (the seem appropriate for a little boy) but I knew they would die, so the button mums look very similar and I decided they were the "next best thing." The big beautiful arrangement was from "Our friends in the 20th Ward" but I think our bishop and his wife actually bought them. The white tulips were from Karen & Jannalyn and there is also an arrangement with white callas (can't be seen) from Shauntel Anderson.

We had a lot of support, way more than I expected. A lot of friends from our ward and friends and of course family. Thank you to everyone who came and who helped! We were so touched and felt so loved! Thanks also to everyone who couldn't make it and for sending us well wishes.

This is a really bad picture of me, ah well, it is what it is, but Maddie looks so cute!

My mom, Juli (sil), Travis (hiding) and Marlene Thorpe (my mom's good friend and she's known me since I was tiny)

A quick run down of the service (once I get the CD of it I may type up a transcript because I print out my blog yearly and I want a copy of it but for today this will do.) First of all, I have to say that one of my favorite things about the graveside service was Bevan. He was so full of life and he had his blue monster umbrella and was walking around acting and growling like a monster. Loved it! It reminded me that life goes on and there will be happiness down the road. I wish so bad we had a picture of Bevan!

Like I said, it was rainy, so in the beginning, it felt a little disorganized, we were all just trying to stay dry and warm. Anyway, our bishop Neal Dewey conducted the service and we started by singing "I Feel My Savior's Love"(three beautiful verses) and then Alesa said the opening prayer. Bishop Dewey then spoke, we asked him to speak about families and temples, I think he did just that. Then because I was still holding it together, I bore my testimony. Don't remember a lot of what I said other than (and this is what was most important) "We don't know why our little baby isn't with us right now, but it doesn't matter, because we know we have a Heavenly Father who loves us and he wants what is best for us." At least I think I said that- that's what I wanted to say. I also shared a quote I had heard from Elder Maxwell; "Having faith in the Lord means having faith in His time." The quote was something like that... Then Katie sang "Families Can Be Together Forever", it was absolutely beautiful! She really has an amazing voice! She had been crying quite hard just before singing and I was worried about her, but she said she could do it and she did! Her voice was so clear and strong! I was so proud of her! Then Doug dedicated the grave. That was the end.

We mingled for a couple of minutes and then our family met at the church for a lunch. Our Relief Society president, JayLynn Lewis and our compassionate service leader, Marcia Thompson, put the lunch together and Carol provided French Dip. It was yummy! Although there were no "Funeral potatoes"... ;)

Something I've been thinking about

I know I've had a lot of questions about how the graveside service went. Hopefully I can post all about that soon. I'm too tired right now. But there is something I've been thinking about a whole bunch and I want to share.

A few weeks ago I was thinking that Doug and I had been through just about everything in the years we'd been married. I thought; "About the only thing we haven't been through together is to bury a child and I sure hope that is not something we ever have to go through." (I figure one day we are going to have to bury one of us but unfortunately we can't go through that together.) Well, little did I know that in just a few short weeks we would be doing just that. Last night as Doug and I were talking I said to him; "I'm sorry we have to go through this. But I'm so glad we have each other to go through it with." I've been thinking about that a lot. No one else knows exactly what we've been through the last 10 days except for us. We've seen the bad together and felt the physical & emotional pain and we've also felt the good and the peace together. No one else knows the hopes and dreams we tied up in this little baby. I know that at times like this often couples grow apart. I pray that doesn't happen to us. So far we are growing closer together and I hope that by leaning on each other and having patience with each other that closeness will grow. I love you Doug! I am looking forward to the rest of eternity together!

Me

Dumb title, didn't know what else to call it! I promise, one day this blog will have pictures and be about something else, but right now this is our life.

We have had much support. I'm amazed at the friends coming out of the woodwork through e-mails and phone calls, etc... Your comments on my blog really help too. Thank you!

Today I've struggled with the physical part of this. Unfortunately I still have all the post delivery "stuff" that a woman has to endure (no tearing so it is a little bit easier). So, the problem is this- I don't feel that well but I am going absolutely crazy with my mind having nothing to do. So today I tried to deep clean my bathroom- hasn't been done in 4 months (poor Doug, he tried to keep up with everything...) I got about 1/2 done and I was "done". Tons of cramping, etc... Ugh! So frustrating! I've realized that is how I've made it through the other deaths I've had to deal with, keeping myself busy, but I can't do that now. I also realized with a normal delivery I would have still been in the hospital, not cleaning bathrooms or going to mortuaries or any of those fun things. So, patience, with myself, is what I'm learning today. I guess I'm not that patient with myself, I expect a lot and can usually pull it off but I guess learning humility is another lesson...

I'm also still having the kidney issue. I guess part of me was hoping that it would all pass too. I called the urologist and that about did me in. That's not what I am suppose to be doing today, I'm not suppose to deal with that for another few months. I guess that's all part of our "new normal."

Graveside Service

We can make one decision per day. And yesterday we decided that the graveside service would be Saturday at 11:00 here in our town's cemetery. (Unless our Bishop says it's a problem - doubt that will happen.) Anyone is invited, no one is expected. We will not be offended, disappointed, etc... We understand lives are busy. We will be burying him on top of my dad's grave. It saves us money and it is a little comforting. Maddie asked us to make sure he was buried close so this seems like the perfect situation.

We have decided to name our little boy Steven Max. Friday night we asked the girls what names they liked for a boy and a girl and Katie said "Steven" and Maddie said "Max" so that's his name.

We are all doing fairly well. Sometimes we are so strong and sometimes the tears just come. We need to find a "new normal" and we are working on that. The girls are doing really well, we've tried so hard to keep their lives normal and it seems to be working. Of course, Katie's having a little bit harder time than Maddie but she's doing well.

Testimony

This is hard, it really is. But, I feel I need to share my testimony while I can still voice it.

First of all, I know that thanks to a temple marriage and the blessings we receive there; FAMILIES ARE FOREVER. This is my truth. I've held on to this knowledge since the day my dad died and now am holding on to it even stronger. Who else would I want to be with forever besides my darling, caring, loving husband, my beautiful children and my mom, dad, siblings and in-laws. I love them so much now why won't that love grow even stronger into eternity.

I believe that we all started as spirits who have gained bodies and then leave them upon death and continue growing and learning until one day we are resurrected and can regain our bodies. We will all have that blessing and if we live right, and do the best we can, be reunited as family and friends.

I know we have a Heavenly Father who loves us. He is continually watching out for us and all things are in His hands. We don't understand all that happens and why it happens and that's OK. One day we probably will. We know that we have to submit to His will. He will never leave us. We will be compensated for the tears and loss we feel here on earth.

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those that love the Lord will be added unto them in his own way. While it may not come at a time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." -Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

I know that through Jesus Christ all of this is possible. He is truly our Savior and our friend!

If you want to know why I believe these things and many more wonderful truths please feel free to contact me and/or see this web site: www.mormon.org

Sunday, 5:00 p.m. Update

34 hours into it. Not much happening. Still taking the pills every 4 hours. I've taken 2 doses of Phenternel (sp?) - pain meds, just when I needed to sleep. I don't like the way it makes me feel. I refuse an epidural- those things are evil (for me)! Anne (Dr.) has put in a "foley cath" in it is in my uterus to help open up my cervix (I think it gives extra weight to help it open). I was checked at 2:00 and was a "2" and 90% effaced. We've walked every hall close by and even ventured outside for a few minutes- it was cold but refreshing. The walls have beautiful quilts framed and hanging on them. There is one that is so beautiful I might just steal it. Ironically one of my neighbors helped make it.

Sunday, 9:00 a.m. Update

Well, we're past the 24 hour mark - that means we're over 1/2 way, right? Who really knows... I didn't get my pills on time. Yesterday there was no one here delivering babies, last night all but 1 room filled up. Our nurse was busy! It was ok because it actually gave me the chance to sleep another couple of hours. Part of me just really wants to keep the baby where it is, at least there it's mine. I could even become one of those delusional ladies who thinks they're pregnant forever. (Ok, I really don't think that would happen.) I guess next week we will be doing a graveside service...

Sunday, 4:15 a.m. Update

Not a whole lot to update. I've taken 2 more doses of the pill (4 pills each dose) and will probably have another dose soon. They gave me sleeping pill (Ambien) last night so I was able to get a few hours of sleep. Woke up to extreme contraction pain. Finally asked for some pain meds (they've been trying to get me take it since I got here- I'll have to explore why I'm so hesitant later) the meds helped me sleep for another couple of hours. So now I guess we're ready to finish the fight. Thankfully Doug is still sleeping, I know he was up later than me and not sure how well he slept. So glad he's by my side. We make a good team.

Saturday, 6:55pm update

I'm a detail person, you know that, right? So, because I like details and I want to remember details I am recording them here, as long as I feel good enough to. We got to the hospital just before 8 a.m. I was given pills to start the contractions. I've had 3 doses now. Pain is moderate- definately uncomfortable, but not unbearable. Unfortunately, it has done nothing. I have not even started to dialate. We are feeling strong right now, only small tears since between 3-5 a.m. We've made some tough decisions, I'll talk about those later.

Too Much Sadness

I need to let you all know. But I'm having a hard time writing it. Our baby has died, there I said it. I'm not going to go into the details right now. We are going to the hospital on Sat. morning (as long as there is room) to deliver the baby. I've heard this is a hard, long labor. (The Dr. said it would take 1-2 days to deliver) We just had "the conversation" with our kids I hope we never have to repeat or have a similar conversation again! We will keep you updated as we can. Please pray for us!

Ian Justin Larsen

I'm a few days late but I've still gotta' post. My newest little nephew was born on Friday, February 28th, 2009. What a fun thing! It's SO fun to be the aunt. Get to enjoy baby snuggles without all the uncomfortableness that goes along with it! I wish my siblings would have a dozen more babies!

This is Ian Justin Larsen. He weighed 8lbs 10 ozs and 20" long. He's Alesa's fattest baby, but shortest. He really doesn't look all that fat though... Alesa will have to send me the picture of me with him...

On Thurs. Doug, Bevan and I drove down to pick up flowers for the wedding I did last weekend (turned out so pretty, but of course I forgot pictures!). We stopped by Alesa's just to visit for a minute. She'd been to the Dr. that morning and had her membranes stripped. She was at a "5" so I took her hiking up the hill by her house to get those contractions moving. It seemed like it was working (although with Alesa you can't even tell, she doesn't even change her breathing during contractions) so we brought Dallin and Hailey home with us. Alesa got all ready and went to the hospital. I guess she was having contractions but not strong enough to do much and since the hospital was full they sent her home. Which actually ended up being ok because she got to sleep in her own bed and then went back about 7:30am, she was at a "7" so they kept her. Unfortunately the Doctor couldn't get away to break her water so she didn't end up having the baby until 3:30. Mom and I headed down about 1:30 because I had been given some wrong flowers and needed to trade them. Since our family isn't one who thinks you should camp out at the hospital we ended up wasting time around town until Alesa finally called (which wasn't until 5:30, btw). That's ok, Mom and I had fun together! We were able to spend a little bit of time with cute little Ian before I had to come back home and do the flowers. We kept Hailey another night and Dallin for a couple more nights- those kids did really well, Bevan did not. He's not a very nice sharer of his own things! (We will have to work on that!) Then last night (Mon.) we took the girls down to see him. How fun to have a new baby in the family!

Alesa & Ian- Don't you think anyone who looks that good after having a baby should have a whole bunch!?! Sorry about the size- I stole it off Facebook.

California

I had such a nice little vacation to visit Holly. My mom and I flew in Friday afternoon and I was able to stay until Tues afternoon. Mom is staying for most of the summer, she gets to be the "nanny" so Holly can get back to work.

I had my first experience with sushimi (sp?). I'd had sushi rolls before but didn't love them (just kind of liked them), but I LOVED my sushi experience. I made them go eat it 2 more times, that's 3 times in 4 days! Yum! This weird little picture is Holly & me ordering our sushi and eating edamame, yum! (Sorry I can't figure out why the picture is so small!)

We had a relaxing time hanging out with the baby and waiting for Holly to feed Isabella. (Remember how much time that take at first.)

On Saturday we drove to Half Moon Bay. They had all these little fruit and veggie stands. We stopped at one and bought fresh, organic; peaches, grapes, cherries, pears, peas, raspberries, strawberries and corn on the cob. Oh, so good! We ate the raspberries and peas right then. Then every night we made sorbets out of the peaches and strawberries. Yum! So good! I have to say, that would be a wonderful thing about living in California, longer growing seasons and plentiful fresh fruits & veggies. Here are Holly and I with those yummy raspberries.

Every morning my mom and I went walking. We found this little canyon just a 1/2 mile or so from Holly's house. It was a very narrow road that went straight uphill. It was a beautiful walk full of wildlife; wild turkeys, deer, birds, and squirrels. At the base of the hill there was a small ranch that had goats and horses and sheep. Wow! Who would have believed we were in a major city!

Mom and I were so good and got up on Sunday morning to go to church. We drove down to the church only to find it empty and the cute little old man told us it was Stake Conference. Oops! It's the thought that counts, right?

We were able to watch Frank play softball. Then we helped them put the finishing touches on their nursery. Because, they didn't know what kind of baby they were having they painted it green and had cute neutral bedding. We added ribbons and pink to make it more feminine. This picture is me and Isabella at the scrapbook store trying to figure out stuff for her room. I'll post pictures of the projects later, they turned out really cute!

It was so fun to be able to spend some time with Frank, Holly, Isabella and my mom. Thanks so much to Doug and his mom for making it possible for me to go!